Let The Critiquing Begin!

Ok guys and gals here it is, the scoring just how I got it from the judges, unabridged and impartial. I'll let the judges speak for themselves.

Enjoy!



AMERICAN CHRISTIAN FICTION WRITERS
2007 GENESIS CONTEST SCORE SHEET

Category
Sci-fi/fantasy/allegory
Entry #
SF_033
Manuscript Title
Chosen
Judge #
SFJ04

Note to judges: These score sheets are returned to the contestants. Please write constructive comments whenever possible on both the manuscript and scoresheet. Each individual element is worth 1-5 points. Whole points only, no decimals like 3.5 or 2.7. If you score an element lower than 3, please provide a written comment to explain the score. Score values are: 5=Excellent, ready for publication; 4=Above average, needs minor tune-up; 3=Average, off to a good start; 2=Below average, major problems/revision needed; 1=Poor quality, needs lots of revision.

PROFESSIONAL IMPACT – 10 POINTS (1-5 points each)
5
Has the author observed the required manuscript format? (Courier or Times New Roman 12 pt double spaced) Is the type neat? Does it have 1 inch margins all around?
2
Does the author have a command of the elements of grammar, punctuation, and spelling?

STORY – 50 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Does the story hold your interest to the end of the entry?
4
Is the point of view consistent? Are POV changes smooth and logical?
3
Do sensory details (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste) enhance each scene?
4
Does the setting support the story without intruding?
3
Do inspirational elements grow organically out of character or plot?
4
Do scenes flow smoothly, giving a sense of movement?
3
Is there an opening line or paragraph that immediately hooks the reader into the story?
3
Is the writing fresh and original, avoiding clichés?
4
Does the writer utilize showing and telling skillfully?
3
Is the author’s voice distinct and unique?

CHARACTERIZATION – 15 POINTS (1-5 points each)
4
Is the main character identifiable yet unique? Does anything about the character feel clichéd?
4
Do secondary characters contribute to the story without distracting from it?
3
Do characters’ emotions seem believable and/or provide understandable motive?

CONFLICT – 10 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Are character motivations powerful enough to create sufficient conflict?
3
Is a potential for conflict established that is strong enough to move the story forward?

DIALOGUE – 15 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Is the dialogue between characters natural and not stilted, revealing plot and emotion in a way that narrative cannot?
3
Are the characters’ voices distinct and appropriate for the setting (time period or scenario)?
3
Is narrative necessary and well-placed with the dialogue, not overwhelming the reader?

67
TOTAL SCORE (out of possible 100 points)

COMMENTS:

PROFESSIONAL IMPACT:
Your punctuation and grammar needed a little attention. I made a few corrections in the text to give you an idea of what you were missing, but I didn’t mark everything.

STORY:
Once the story got moving I really started getting into it. Even so I found it difficult to care about your main character. I would have liked him to have at least one redeeming quality (besides having a nice wife). The prologue didn’t work for me at all. It didn’t move the story forward, and it didn’t make me like the main character. (I, like most Christian readers, aren’t really big on anti-heroes.) It’s often a mistake to start the story with a prologue – especially when it’s only purpose is to fill in backstory.

NOTE: Your scene with “The Owner” was very good (in a nicely disturbing way). The quicker you can get to this scene, the better.

CHARACTERIZATION:
You did a good job giving me a feel for Jan, I just wasn’t sure I wanted to spend a whole book with him.

CONFLICT:
I would have liked to see Jan interacting with his wife in a real scene backed by real conflict. We were “told” a lot about her, but we didn’t get to really “see” her. The story really didn’t get started for me until “The Owner” scene. It felt like a long time to wait for the conflict to be established.

DIALOGUE:
The dialogue was good – perhaps not as otherworldly as it could have been, but it was quite nice.

STRENGTHS/WEAKNESSES:
Strengths:
I really like the story world – a lot.
You nailed the creepy feel.
Love the story concept as well as the look ‘n’ feel.
Weaknesses:
Couldn’t sympathize with the main character.
I was distracted the picky mechanical details of the writing. Fortunately, these are the easiest problems to correct. Don’t be discouraged. You’ve got all the important stuff. Everything else can be easily learned.





AMERICAN CHRISTIAN FICTION WRITERS
2007 GENESIS CONTEST SCORE SHEET
Category
Sci-fi/fantasy/allegory
Entry #
SF_033
Manuscript Title
Chosen
Judge #
SFJ10

Note to judges: These score sheets are returned to the contestants. Please write constructive comments whenever possible on both the manuscript and scoresheet. Each individual element is worth 1-5 points. Whole points only, no decimals like 3.5 or 2.7. If you score an element lower than 3, please provide a written comment to explain the score. Score values are: 5=Excellent, ready for publication; 4=Above average, needs minor tune-up; 3=Average, off to a good start; 2=Below average, major problems/revision needed; 1=Poor quality, needs lots of revision.

PROFESSIONAL IMPACT – 10 POINTS (1-5 points each)
5
Has the author observed the required manuscript format? (Courier or Times New Roman 12 pt double spaced) Is the type neat? Does it have 1 inch margins all around?
2
Does the author have a command of the elements of grammar, punctuation, and spelling?

STORY – 50 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Does the story hold your interest to the end of the entry?
5
Is the point of view consistent? Are POV changes smooth and logical?
4
Do sensory details (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste) enhance each scene?
3
Does the setting support the story without intruding?
5
Do inspirational elements grow organically out of character or plot?
3
Do scenes flow smoothly, giving a sense of movement?
3
Is there an opening line or paragraph that immediately hooks the reader into the story?
3
Is the writing fresh and original, avoiding clichés?
3
Does the writer utilize showing and telling skillfully?
3
Is the author’s voice distinct and unique?

CHARACTERIZATION – 15 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Is the main character identifiable yet unique? Does anything about the character feel clichéd?
3
Do secondary characters contribute to the story without distracting from it?
3
Do characters’ emotions seem believable and/or provide understandable motive?

CONFLICT – 10 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Are character motivations powerful enough to create sufficient conflict?
2
Is a potential for conflict established that is strong enough to move the story forward?

DIALOGUE – 15 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Is the dialogue between characters natural and not stilted, revealing plot and emotion in a way that narrative cannot?
3
Are the characters’ voices distinct and appropriate for the setting (time period or scenario)?
3
Is narrative necessary and well-placed with the dialogue, not overwhelming the reader?

65
TOTAL SCORE (out of possible 100 points)

COMMENTS:

PROFESSIONAL IMPACT: MSS formatting appears professional. However much is required regarding general grammar such as punctuation. Specifically, you need to study how to write dialogue as well as good placement of commas.

STORY: The story itself is dark and somewhat intriguing, I might be interested to read more about the character’s journey, but at the same time, I did not find the main character someone to be sympathetic with if that is important to you.

CHARACTERIZATION: Much of characterization has to do with POV and what the character sees and notices. Your character seemed to notice a lot of description for being a drug addict. Just a thought;)

CONFLICT: I’m not exactly sure what the main story conflict is after reading the pages of your entry. Still it might be enough that he’s an addict and murderer and now in trouble with his boss to carry the reader on until you get to the main conflict. But as it is, I’m not sure that this conflict can carry through to an entire novel. Just make sure you’ve got some more in terms of conflict.

DIALOGUE: Dialogue did not sound stilted. However, you need to study correct dialogue formatting. In addition, the story was filled with narrative. You might consider finding a way to add much more dialogue and show the story in this way, rather than telling through narrative.

STRENGTHS/WEAKNESSES:
Strength is in a creative imagination and potential for a great story. Weaknesses are in punctuation and general craft issues. Continue to write and you will masters these.




AMERICAN CHRISTIAN FICTION WRITERS
2007 GENESIS CONTEST SCORE SHEET
Category
Sci-fi/fantasy/allegory
Entry #
SF_033
Manuscript Title
Chosen
Judge #
SFJ17

Note to judges: These score sheets are returned to the contestants. Please write constructive comments whenever possible on both the manuscript and scoresheet. Each individual element is worth 1-5 points. Whole points only, no decimals like 3.5 or 2.7. If you score an element lower than 3, please provide a written comment to explain the score. Score values are: 5=Excellent, ready for publication; 4=Above average, needs minor tune-up; 3=Average, off to a good start; 2=Below average, major problems/revision needed; 1=Poor quality, needs lots of revision.

PROFESSIONAL IMPACT – 10 POINTS (1-5 points each)
4
Has the author observed the required manuscript format? (Courier or Times New Roman 12 pt double spaced) Is the type neat? Does it have 1 inch margins all around?
3
Does the author have a command of the elements of grammar, punctuation, and spelling? The punctuation needs some help in the dialogue department.

STORY – 50 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Does the story hold your interest to the end of the entry? The prologue seems unnecessary.
5
Is the point of view consistent? Are POV changes smooth and logical?
4
Do sensory details (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste) enhance each scene?
3
Does the setting support the story without intruding? A little too much setting and explanation of names of places .
5
Do inspirational elements grow organically out of character or plot?
4
Do scenes flow smoothly, giving a sense of movement?
3
Is there an opening line or paragraph that immediately hooks the reader into the story? Not really.
4
Is the writing fresh and original, avoiding clichés?
3
Does the writer utilize showing and telling skillfully? Watch those ‘ly’ words.
4
Is the author’s voice distinct and unique?

CHARACTERIZATION – 15 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Is the main character identifiable yet unique? Does anything about the character feel clichéd? See below.
4
Do secondary characters contribute to the story without distracting from it?
4
Do characters’ emotions seem believable and/or provide understandable motive?

CONFLICT – 10 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Are character motivations powerful enough to create sufficient conflict? I didn’t see his motivation in stabbing that blonde guy in the prologue. He hadn’t given the guy the drugs, so he hadn’t lost anything, really. Not worth killing someone.
4
Is a potential for conflict established that is strong enough to move the story forward?

DIALOGUE – 15 POINTS (1-5 points each)
4
Is the dialogue between characters natural and not stilted, revealing plot and emotion in a way that narrative cannot?
4
Are the characters’ voices distinct and appropriate for the setting (time period or scenario)?
4
Is narrative necessary and well-placed with the dialogue, not overwhelming the reader?

75
TOTAL SCORE (out of possible 100 points)

COMMENTS:

PROFESSIONAL IMPACT: The formatting was fine. I marked you down to a four because of those weird black lines that were randomly in there.

STORY: After a prologue and three chapters, I don’t know what this story is about. I got a hint that he’s being sent on some errand by the vampires, but I don’t trust that is what the story will be about because nothing’s been clear. Yet. The opening has Jan in a library reading books. I though we had some kind of student getting trained story. Then it turns out he’s a drug dealer. I don’t know why it started in the library. The prologue seems completely unnecessary. I went with it at first, thinking you were going to tie in his guilt over this sin somehow. But then I found out later that Jan had killed someone else last time he was underground, so I don’t see the significance of the prologue.
I would cut the prologue and start with chapter one. It’s got a pretty good hook with him doing drugs. This gets us in his world right off and it will get us to the vampire story sooner, if that’s the plot.

CHARACTERIZATION: The reader needs to know what problem the main character is going to face ASAP so we can get on board with him or her. Not until the vampire dude yells at Jan is there a hint of plot problem other than drug addiction. Maybe it would help to place a little fear in Jan’s mind every time he takes a hit. Will Vladimir know I’m taking a cut? What will they do if they find out? A little dread on the ride over. We want our main characters to be smart, so I feel like he would be wondering why Vladimir wants to see him.
Jan is more interesting in the prologue because we see how he interacts with Marco. His indifference and tone tell us a lot about him. But then he cowers with the vampires, which makes sense, them being vampires, but it’s a contrast in his character. Maybe he should be a smart aleck to Vladimir until he sees that he was a vampire. Was Jan surprised? Did he know about the vampire thing? I couldn’t tell for sure. You want to work on all this a bit. If he knows he should be afraid. If he doesn’t, he should be freaking our on his trip into the underground, dwelling on the girl getting bit or something. The teeth… When the character doesn’t know how to react, he isn’t believable to the reader and the reader won’t know how to react.

CONFLICT: Not much conflict going on. There was some with the Marco thing. Then some with him sneaking out. Some with the bouncer and then the vampires and some with the trip underground. All of it is good realistic conflict for your world and story, but it’s smothered in a lot of description of random characters that never return. The librarian, Marcos, the men waiting by the train. Readers are trying to keep up with your story and we read about these characters and wonder what they are going to do. When they serve no purpose other than description, they have to go. Cut them and keep us in action. Why not save the descriptions and use them for the bouncer, or Dric…

DIALOGUE: Read the dialogue out loud. Most of it is fine. Trim it up a bit. Be careful with the tags after dialogue. You don’t need to say something all the time. Read Stein on Writing by Sol Stein and Self Editing for Fiction Writers. Both hacve great stuff on dialogue and showing vs. telling.

STRENGTHS/WEAKNESSES: YOu’ve got an interesting main character in an interesting world. Just get us into the plot sooner so we can know what’s going on and who/what he’s up against. Watch the ‘ly’ words and study up on how to punctuate dialogue. The comma vs. period thing. This has got a lot of potential. Keep it up!
God bless.