Mi Familia

Mi familia es Boricua. Here we have the Vazquez men...and a white man! How'd he get in there?

I snuck into the shot, what can I say. Actually that's me lighting up the room with my smile. Brilliant aint it?

I had a pretty relaxing weekend. Snorkled a bit in the pool. Had to make sure the gear was working properly before going out "shark slappin" in the briny deep. I got some really nice equipment for Christmas and this week was my first real chance to try it out.

The scare of the weekend had to be almost having to go to a baby shower! I know! Well, the estrogen levels were stifling when I entered the house, and then I saw the "crafts table". My wife, being the wonderful and sweet person that she is, allowed me to leave after a few introductions and re-introductions and hand shakes.

Then I ate Taco Bell and played basketball for two hours (I don't recommend that by the way). The guys at the court were all "illegal screens" and " you carried the ball". I scoffed at their weak calls and questioned their manhood demanding that they abide by the laws of streetball and stop calling ticky-tack-baby-fouls that they only called when the game was close. My stomach hurt because of the T-Bell and I put my toe through the front of my left Jordan, but still managed to only lose 1 game (of course they wouldn't let us warm up).

Pistons play tonight. It's all on the backcourt now. If Billups and Hamilton can get into the flow of the offense it shouldn't be that hard to win. Last game it looked like the Pistons walked through the game. They didn't trap LeBron as hard as they had in the first two games and so he ran wild. By the way, I don't hate LeBron but I do hate how every commentator/analyst is all up ons. "Will LeBron do this. Will LeBron do that. How much toothpaste does LeBron use? LeBron, will you pass score or serve Pan-Asian cuisine to the fans during the game."

I'm all LeBron'd out.

Peas

Let The Critiquing Begin!

Ok guys and gals here it is, the scoring just how I got it from the judges, unabridged and impartial. I'll let the judges speak for themselves.

Enjoy!



AMERICAN CHRISTIAN FICTION WRITERS
2007 GENESIS CONTEST SCORE SHEET

Category
Sci-fi/fantasy/allegory
Entry #
SF_033
Manuscript Title
Chosen
Judge #
SFJ04

Note to judges: These score sheets are returned to the contestants. Please write constructive comments whenever possible on both the manuscript and scoresheet. Each individual element is worth 1-5 points. Whole points only, no decimals like 3.5 or 2.7. If you score an element lower than 3, please provide a written comment to explain the score. Score values are: 5=Excellent, ready for publication; 4=Above average, needs minor tune-up; 3=Average, off to a good start; 2=Below average, major problems/revision needed; 1=Poor quality, needs lots of revision.

PROFESSIONAL IMPACT – 10 POINTS (1-5 points each)
5
Has the author observed the required manuscript format? (Courier or Times New Roman 12 pt double spaced) Is the type neat? Does it have 1 inch margins all around?
2
Does the author have a command of the elements of grammar, punctuation, and spelling?

STORY – 50 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Does the story hold your interest to the end of the entry?
4
Is the point of view consistent? Are POV changes smooth and logical?
3
Do sensory details (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste) enhance each scene?
4
Does the setting support the story without intruding?
3
Do inspirational elements grow organically out of character or plot?
4
Do scenes flow smoothly, giving a sense of movement?
3
Is there an opening line or paragraph that immediately hooks the reader into the story?
3
Is the writing fresh and original, avoiding clichés?
4
Does the writer utilize showing and telling skillfully?
3
Is the author’s voice distinct and unique?

CHARACTERIZATION – 15 POINTS (1-5 points each)
4
Is the main character identifiable yet unique? Does anything about the character feel clichéd?
4
Do secondary characters contribute to the story without distracting from it?
3
Do characters’ emotions seem believable and/or provide understandable motive?

CONFLICT – 10 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Are character motivations powerful enough to create sufficient conflict?
3
Is a potential for conflict established that is strong enough to move the story forward?

DIALOGUE – 15 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Is the dialogue between characters natural and not stilted, revealing plot and emotion in a way that narrative cannot?
3
Are the characters’ voices distinct and appropriate for the setting (time period or scenario)?
3
Is narrative necessary and well-placed with the dialogue, not overwhelming the reader?

67
TOTAL SCORE (out of possible 100 points)

COMMENTS:

PROFESSIONAL IMPACT:
Your punctuation and grammar needed a little attention. I made a few corrections in the text to give you an idea of what you were missing, but I didn’t mark everything.

STORY:
Once the story got moving I really started getting into it. Even so I found it difficult to care about your main character. I would have liked him to have at least one redeeming quality (besides having a nice wife). The prologue didn’t work for me at all. It didn’t move the story forward, and it didn’t make me like the main character. (I, like most Christian readers, aren’t really big on anti-heroes.) It’s often a mistake to start the story with a prologue – especially when it’s only purpose is to fill in backstory.

NOTE: Your scene with “The Owner” was very good (in a nicely disturbing way). The quicker you can get to this scene, the better.

CHARACTERIZATION:
You did a good job giving me a feel for Jan, I just wasn’t sure I wanted to spend a whole book with him.

CONFLICT:
I would have liked to see Jan interacting with his wife in a real scene backed by real conflict. We were “told” a lot about her, but we didn’t get to really “see” her. The story really didn’t get started for me until “The Owner” scene. It felt like a long time to wait for the conflict to be established.

DIALOGUE:
The dialogue was good – perhaps not as otherworldly as it could have been, but it was quite nice.

STRENGTHS/WEAKNESSES:
Strengths:
I really like the story world – a lot.
You nailed the creepy feel.
Love the story concept as well as the look ‘n’ feel.
Weaknesses:
Couldn’t sympathize with the main character.
I was distracted the picky mechanical details of the writing. Fortunately, these are the easiest problems to correct. Don’t be discouraged. You’ve got all the important stuff. Everything else can be easily learned.





AMERICAN CHRISTIAN FICTION WRITERS
2007 GENESIS CONTEST SCORE SHEET
Category
Sci-fi/fantasy/allegory
Entry #
SF_033
Manuscript Title
Chosen
Judge #
SFJ10

Note to judges: These score sheets are returned to the contestants. Please write constructive comments whenever possible on both the manuscript and scoresheet. Each individual element is worth 1-5 points. Whole points only, no decimals like 3.5 or 2.7. If you score an element lower than 3, please provide a written comment to explain the score. Score values are: 5=Excellent, ready for publication; 4=Above average, needs minor tune-up; 3=Average, off to a good start; 2=Below average, major problems/revision needed; 1=Poor quality, needs lots of revision.

PROFESSIONAL IMPACT – 10 POINTS (1-5 points each)
5
Has the author observed the required manuscript format? (Courier or Times New Roman 12 pt double spaced) Is the type neat? Does it have 1 inch margins all around?
2
Does the author have a command of the elements of grammar, punctuation, and spelling?

STORY – 50 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Does the story hold your interest to the end of the entry?
5
Is the point of view consistent? Are POV changes smooth and logical?
4
Do sensory details (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste) enhance each scene?
3
Does the setting support the story without intruding?
5
Do inspirational elements grow organically out of character or plot?
3
Do scenes flow smoothly, giving a sense of movement?
3
Is there an opening line or paragraph that immediately hooks the reader into the story?
3
Is the writing fresh and original, avoiding clichés?
3
Does the writer utilize showing and telling skillfully?
3
Is the author’s voice distinct and unique?

CHARACTERIZATION – 15 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Is the main character identifiable yet unique? Does anything about the character feel clichéd?
3
Do secondary characters contribute to the story without distracting from it?
3
Do characters’ emotions seem believable and/or provide understandable motive?

CONFLICT – 10 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Are character motivations powerful enough to create sufficient conflict?
2
Is a potential for conflict established that is strong enough to move the story forward?

DIALOGUE – 15 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Is the dialogue between characters natural and not stilted, revealing plot and emotion in a way that narrative cannot?
3
Are the characters’ voices distinct and appropriate for the setting (time period or scenario)?
3
Is narrative necessary and well-placed with the dialogue, not overwhelming the reader?

65
TOTAL SCORE (out of possible 100 points)

COMMENTS:

PROFESSIONAL IMPACT: MSS formatting appears professional. However much is required regarding general grammar such as punctuation. Specifically, you need to study how to write dialogue as well as good placement of commas.

STORY: The story itself is dark and somewhat intriguing, I might be interested to read more about the character’s journey, but at the same time, I did not find the main character someone to be sympathetic with if that is important to you.

CHARACTERIZATION: Much of characterization has to do with POV and what the character sees and notices. Your character seemed to notice a lot of description for being a drug addict. Just a thought;)

CONFLICT: I’m not exactly sure what the main story conflict is after reading the pages of your entry. Still it might be enough that he’s an addict and murderer and now in trouble with his boss to carry the reader on until you get to the main conflict. But as it is, I’m not sure that this conflict can carry through to an entire novel. Just make sure you’ve got some more in terms of conflict.

DIALOGUE: Dialogue did not sound stilted. However, you need to study correct dialogue formatting. In addition, the story was filled with narrative. You might consider finding a way to add much more dialogue and show the story in this way, rather than telling through narrative.

STRENGTHS/WEAKNESSES:
Strength is in a creative imagination and potential for a great story. Weaknesses are in punctuation and general craft issues. Continue to write and you will masters these.




AMERICAN CHRISTIAN FICTION WRITERS
2007 GENESIS CONTEST SCORE SHEET
Category
Sci-fi/fantasy/allegory
Entry #
SF_033
Manuscript Title
Chosen
Judge #
SFJ17

Note to judges: These score sheets are returned to the contestants. Please write constructive comments whenever possible on both the manuscript and scoresheet. Each individual element is worth 1-5 points. Whole points only, no decimals like 3.5 or 2.7. If you score an element lower than 3, please provide a written comment to explain the score. Score values are: 5=Excellent, ready for publication; 4=Above average, needs minor tune-up; 3=Average, off to a good start; 2=Below average, major problems/revision needed; 1=Poor quality, needs lots of revision.

PROFESSIONAL IMPACT – 10 POINTS (1-5 points each)
4
Has the author observed the required manuscript format? (Courier or Times New Roman 12 pt double spaced) Is the type neat? Does it have 1 inch margins all around?
3
Does the author have a command of the elements of grammar, punctuation, and spelling? The punctuation needs some help in the dialogue department.

STORY – 50 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Does the story hold your interest to the end of the entry? The prologue seems unnecessary.
5
Is the point of view consistent? Are POV changes smooth and logical?
4
Do sensory details (sight, sound, touch, smell, taste) enhance each scene?
3
Does the setting support the story without intruding? A little too much setting and explanation of names of places .
5
Do inspirational elements grow organically out of character or plot?
4
Do scenes flow smoothly, giving a sense of movement?
3
Is there an opening line or paragraph that immediately hooks the reader into the story? Not really.
4
Is the writing fresh and original, avoiding clichés?
3
Does the writer utilize showing and telling skillfully? Watch those ‘ly’ words.
4
Is the author’s voice distinct and unique?

CHARACTERIZATION – 15 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Is the main character identifiable yet unique? Does anything about the character feel clichéd? See below.
4
Do secondary characters contribute to the story without distracting from it?
4
Do characters’ emotions seem believable and/or provide understandable motive?

CONFLICT – 10 POINTS (1-5 points each)
3
Are character motivations powerful enough to create sufficient conflict? I didn’t see his motivation in stabbing that blonde guy in the prologue. He hadn’t given the guy the drugs, so he hadn’t lost anything, really. Not worth killing someone.
4
Is a potential for conflict established that is strong enough to move the story forward?

DIALOGUE – 15 POINTS (1-5 points each)
4
Is the dialogue between characters natural and not stilted, revealing plot and emotion in a way that narrative cannot?
4
Are the characters’ voices distinct and appropriate for the setting (time period or scenario)?
4
Is narrative necessary and well-placed with the dialogue, not overwhelming the reader?

75
TOTAL SCORE (out of possible 100 points)

COMMENTS:

PROFESSIONAL IMPACT: The formatting was fine. I marked you down to a four because of those weird black lines that were randomly in there.

STORY: After a prologue and three chapters, I don’t know what this story is about. I got a hint that he’s being sent on some errand by the vampires, but I don’t trust that is what the story will be about because nothing’s been clear. Yet. The opening has Jan in a library reading books. I though we had some kind of student getting trained story. Then it turns out he’s a drug dealer. I don’t know why it started in the library. The prologue seems completely unnecessary. I went with it at first, thinking you were going to tie in his guilt over this sin somehow. But then I found out later that Jan had killed someone else last time he was underground, so I don’t see the significance of the prologue.
I would cut the prologue and start with chapter one. It’s got a pretty good hook with him doing drugs. This gets us in his world right off and it will get us to the vampire story sooner, if that’s the plot.

CHARACTERIZATION: The reader needs to know what problem the main character is going to face ASAP so we can get on board with him or her. Not until the vampire dude yells at Jan is there a hint of plot problem other than drug addiction. Maybe it would help to place a little fear in Jan’s mind every time he takes a hit. Will Vladimir know I’m taking a cut? What will they do if they find out? A little dread on the ride over. We want our main characters to be smart, so I feel like he would be wondering why Vladimir wants to see him.
Jan is more interesting in the prologue because we see how he interacts with Marco. His indifference and tone tell us a lot about him. But then he cowers with the vampires, which makes sense, them being vampires, but it’s a contrast in his character. Maybe he should be a smart aleck to Vladimir until he sees that he was a vampire. Was Jan surprised? Did he know about the vampire thing? I couldn’t tell for sure. You want to work on all this a bit. If he knows he should be afraid. If he doesn’t, he should be freaking our on his trip into the underground, dwelling on the girl getting bit or something. The teeth… When the character doesn’t know how to react, he isn’t believable to the reader and the reader won’t know how to react.

CONFLICT: Not much conflict going on. There was some with the Marco thing. Then some with him sneaking out. Some with the bouncer and then the vampires and some with the trip underground. All of it is good realistic conflict for your world and story, but it’s smothered in a lot of description of random characters that never return. The librarian, Marcos, the men waiting by the train. Readers are trying to keep up with your story and we read about these characters and wonder what they are going to do. When they serve no purpose other than description, they have to go. Cut them and keep us in action. Why not save the descriptions and use them for the bouncer, or Dric…

DIALOGUE: Read the dialogue out loud. Most of it is fine. Trim it up a bit. Be careful with the tags after dialogue. You don’t need to say something all the time. Read Stein on Writing by Sol Stein and Self Editing for Fiction Writers. Both hacve great stuff on dialogue and showing vs. telling.

STRENGTHS/WEAKNESSES: YOu’ve got an interesting main character in an interesting world. Just get us into the plot sooner so we can know what’s going on and who/what he’s up against. Watch the ‘ly’ words and study up on how to punctuate dialogue. The comma vs. period thing. This has got a lot of potential. Keep it up!
God bless.

So, I sent in my manuscript to this contest. Three judges scored the first twenty-five pages of my work. The 1st judge gave me a 65/100 the second a 67/100 and the third a 75/100. The book with the highest score in each genre will win. I doubt I will place. However, the critiques alone that the three judges did on the paper were well worth the $30 it took to enter the contest. I have alot of work to do this summer...alot. Don't get me wrong there was alot of positive feedback as well, but yeah. 65, 67, 75. I'd like to bump those up a score o'points or so.

That's me thinking about my manuscript and drinking a shake to ease the intense pain in my ego.

How Can I Be Down?

Lame and/or Tragic:

-Over-sized t-shirts with money on them and/or diamonds particularly diamond grills.
-Over-sized t-shirts with gangsta' cartoon characters on them (aka Thugs Bunny or Tweety Bird bustin' a cap).
-Tony Montana from Scarface. I'm not sure when this guy became an idol to 13 year old boys, but the he is everywhere. A kid in my class right now has Scarface shoes on.
-Claiming that you represent Westside or Southside when you are from a cowtown with a drive-in-theatre and a Subway for your main entertainment/recreational choices. Seriously, you're repping the South Side of Wimauma? Or do you really have no idea what you are doing and are just trying to act hard to seem cool?
-The "n" word. Ok, I know that you are trying to rep 50 and Luda, but come on kids it's a racial slur.
-Tattoo'd 13 year olds. Yeah, I know a few.
-Pregnant 8th graders. Yep, a few of them too.
-Parents who go to the club. How old are you again? Be a mom would ya?

Now that that's out of the way...

LOST last night wasn't as good as last weeks, but the "Is Charlie going to die?" thing kept me interested.

Heroes: best show on tv? probably. But it's the George RR Martin of tv shows to me, awesome but I just haven't gotten into it yet.

So I raided Gruul's Lair with Ashen last night...zzzzzzzz. Yeah wow, brought back fun memories of wiping on Vael 27 times in a row. It was no CrazyDelicious WSG I can tell you that. And I like the guys and gals in Ashen. You know what, it was a nice change and I was glad to go help. I just wouldn't want to do it 5 days a week for 4 hours.

I'll be back later...

Wednesday in May

-The Pistons, what can I say? They will win the series but I can't help but get the feeling I had during last year's Cleveland series. Frustrating to watch.

-WSG last night was the most fun I've had on the ole compy in a while. The guys kept me up til 1am on a school night! That's how fun it was!

-Waiting for school to end is like waiting for your work day to be over with 20 minutes left on your shift. You keep looking at the clock and looking at the clock and the minutes seem like hours. Well, these days seem like weeks. But, I'm not complaining.

-Man am I tired. I just dozed off there for a sec...stupid WSG. heh.

-I like things simple. I like truths like, love God with all your heart, soul and strength and love your neighbor as yourself. Simple, encompasses a world of truth and yet is easily understood by me. Also, "Be ye kind one to another..." no PhD needed. "Ah," some say, "that's Sunday school kids stuff." I say those are the building blocks of my faith and the most important things I can remember throughout my day because those truths encompass my entire world view.

Here's another one. If you are a child of God then God wants the best for you all the time every time. He didn't even spare his Son. That's what keep me from being bitter when I think of my younger brother drowning in the ocean while I was hundreds of miles away powerless. God always loves me, He always wants what is best for me. We all go through things, horrible things, things so terrible we never imagined them. When my brother died I experienced my worst nightmare. Seriously, when I thought, "What could be the worst thing to happen to me?" that is what I thought of, my brother dying. And it happened. So then what? I couldn't figure out why God would want to make my life worse by taking him away. And after a long time I came to the realization that he was never mine. So I say I will see him soon and I say that God's ways are higher than my ways, the pot doesn't ask the potter, "why did you make me like this?" and the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be His name.

But those aren't cliches to me, they aren't Sunday schoool memory work, they're my life.

Word

I bet you can't name three good Viking movies.

So, I had a feeling the Pistons would lose game 4. I'm not nervous for them. Pouring you're heart and soul into a single goal for so long is very, very difficult. There are bound to be lapses, it's human nature. Also, closing out a series at home is good.

Mother's Day was great. I got to see my mom and spend some time with the family.

I was weeding the garden with my wife the other day and I couldn't help but notice the mulch. It's wood chips. I got an idea for a story setting. A place so blasted and torn apart that the land is a fire-hardened jumble of earth and rock, like mulch. I'm still working on it.

The guy who coached football with me said he saw a dead leopard by the side of the road a few miles from where I live. I questioned the authenticity of the statement until I remembered how many carnies and circus folk live in a nearby town. Then I was like, "Oh." Another day in the greater South Shore area.

I was leafing throught The Silmarillion last night, that's a good sign as far as writing goes. I think I know where I want to go generally with my next manuscript, but I'm still working on plot twists and such. That's one of the hardest things for me to gauge, plot twists, because they're not twists to me. I'm not surprised cause I wrote it. So when I'm reading my manuscript I'm like, "yeah, saw that one coming," then I say, "yeah, cause you wrote it idiot." Anyway, I'm not sure if I killed off to many people in the first one. Nah.

I really want to strive to make the second part better than the first. Like New Hope and Empire, both great, but I've got to give the slight edge to Empire. I guess that's what I'm shooting for. I should have something started by the end of this month.

"Asteriods do not concern me admiral."
Kind of how I feel about life in general. The mundane, the everday, I find somewhat tedious. Now, there is a beauty in the everyday, there is, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about reciting lists, ugh, like, "These are the things we need to do...". Those are the asteriods and I'm Darth Vader. I can't be concerned with that stuff, I just want the Millenium Falcon found! That is my deficiency. I need to be more concerned about how many cans of beans are in the pantry even though I don't really like them, or whether I vacuumed under the dinner table even though no one has sat at it or stepped foot near it since the last time. Why you ask? Because that's part of life. Having fun is great, and focusing on a goal is grand, but the everyday-bean-counting-cuttin'-out-coupons side of life has to have its due.

You've got to CC before you can pull, DPS and loot.